The Pressure Cooker

When Family Interferes

By Marie-Helen Goyetche

"Looking back at the failure of my first marriage, I'm almost positive we might still be together if it wasn't for my mother interfering in our lives," says Judy. "She put so much pressure on us about having a baby, she had the nerve to ask Mike when he was going for a sperm count."

Many couples have encountered this scenario before and have felt similar pressure. Is your mother or his mother pressuring you to have children? Just how much space is the future grandmother taking in your private lives? If this sounds familiar, you may need to be strong. Couples must present a united front when subjected to pressures from their parents, and they must respond firmly. They should place some emotional distance between themselves and their parents.

Any relationship takes work. It requires love, patience, understanding and commitment from both parties to survive the easy and the tough times.

"Child-rearing, pregnancy and fertility issues all put couples under extreme stress," says Tina B. Tessina, psychotherapist. "Depending on how the stress is handled, it can enhance the bond of the couple or alienate them from each other."

Maria and Bill's situation went to the extreme when Maria lied to Bill's mother. "We started dating when we were in high school," says Maria. "I was so much in love with Bill. He told me in our first few weeks together he didn't intend on having children. He told me he couldn't handle children. He didn't want to 'try' to see if it would be different with our own kids. If we were to stay together, I had to face the fact that I would never have children. It took me a while to come to terms with that, but I decided being with Bill was the most important thing I wanted in my life."

Maria and Bill continued their education and obtained demanding jobs. They had a house, two cars and a good life. However, Bill's mother believed they needed children. Ten years into the marriage, as they prepared to celebrate their wedding anniversary, Maria couldn't take her mother-in-law's constant comments about children any longer. She told her she was sterile. She said she couldn't have children and neither of them wanted to assume the potential problems of adoption.

"My parents never pushed us and they respected our choice of being a career couple rather than having a family," Maria says. "His mother didn't. She hassled us until I couldn't take it any more and found an unquestionable reason. She never accepted the fact that Bill didn't want to have children. Bill's mother was only thinking of herself."

"Once you are grown children, your parents no longer have any real power over you – only the power you give them," says Tessina.

After Maria's declaration, both Maria and her mother-in-law cried in each other's arms. The mother-in-law grieved for the grandchild she wouldn't have from Bill and Maria. Maria cried with relief. Perhaps now her mother-in-law would accept them as a childless couple.

Want to see more?

• Baby Battles: When He Doesn't Want a Child
• Butt Out: When Family and Friends Want Control Over Your Reproductive Future
• Holiday Family Gatherings and Infertility: Creating a Balance
• Talk about it!