Oftentimes we have a dream that seems so impossible that it is set aside without any thought to real exploration. One of those dreams for a same-sex couple or single adult maybe having children of their own. Society has discouraged it in the past for many unfounded reasons, but this is 2003 and there is a way to make this dream a reality: surrogacy.

First let me explain exactly who surrogates are. A surrogate is a unique type of woman who is willing to carry a child for another couple or single person. She can be one of two types: a traditional surrogate, who uses her eggs and carries the child, or a gestational surrogate or carrier, who has no biological link to the child/children she gives birth to. In each of these cases, the surrogate agrees to give up the child she carries at the time of birth. As a gestational, she has no legal rights to the child, but if she is a traditional, she must relinquish her rights to the commissioning intended parents.

Knowing the Law
What does all this mean to you as a gay or lesbian couple? It means that if the adoption door has been closed to you or the foster care system isn't the way you want to go to have children in your life, then with the help of a surrogate, and possibly an egg donor or sperm donor, you can create the family you always dreamed of.

There are several steps to take along the road to surrogacy. The first step is to educate yourself about the laws in your state. It is widely known that California is a wonderful state to pursue surrogacy. The laws are clear cut for gays and lesbians, and both of the intended parents can be put on the birth certificate. But you don't have to travel that far to become parents through surrogacy!

If you don't care that only one of the intended parents can be on the birth certificate, then this dream can come true for you in Florida. There have been several cases where a "single" dad has had the pleasure of bringing children through surrogacy into this world with the help of a traditional surrogate or a gestational carrier and egg donor legally through the Florida courts.

Lesbian couples do have it easier for the most part because of the ability to carry their own child while only needing a sperm donor. Many clinics across the state will perform interuterine inseminations (IUI). IVF can also be performed on a lesbian couple, if necessary, to offer options of having one partner carry the other partner's egg.

Finding a Surrogate
After you have explored the legal aspects and are comfortable with your options, the next step would be to find a woman to be your surrogate. This can happen in many different ways, and I am not recommending all of them.

• You can ask a family member or close friend.
• You can tell family members and friends what you are planning to do and see if word of mouth will bring you a woman willing to help you in your endeavor.
• You can contact an agency or matching service, or perhaps an attorney can recommend someone to you.

No matter which way you choose, you must be comfortable with the relationship you are building with the woman (and her family) who you choose to work with. Needless to say, an agency or matching and relationship service like Surrogacy Consultants of Florida can make the next steps much easier for you with expert guidance throughout the surrogacy process.

Getting Medical Help
After you have chosen your surrogate, you need to contact a clinic and a doctor for assistance with either the IUI for traditional or IVF/egg donor for gestational. Your surrogate must be medically screened and psychologically evaluated before your contract is put into place. These are safeguards for all involved. Her partner, too, needs to be screened for STDs and HIV, as do the intended parents. This is an essential part in preparing for the next steps in the surrogacy process.

Once all of the evaluations and screenings are completed, your attorney can begin the contract process. This will encompass each party's intentions throughout the surrogacy process, as well as outline the financial expectations, the obligations of all people involved and have signatures in place for the pre-birth paternity agreements.

Now the medical clinic will take over and tell you step by step what needs to be done medically to achieve your pregnancy. You and your surrogate must follow all instructions and commit yourself to the medical portion of the surrogacy journey. It is very important that all protocols are followed so that you have the best chance at first-time success. The costs of these procedures are not inexpensive!

Once the pregnancy has been achieved, your surrogate will eventually be released to her own OB. The rest of your relationship depends largely on what was agreed upon in your contract and what boundaries, if any, have been established thus far. Relationship management is key as is a good escrow account to separate the financial from the interpersonal relationship of the surrogacy experience.

Welcoming Your Baby
When the time has come for the baby or babies to be born, your relationship with your surrogate will be well established. You will have a good sense as to what type of relationship you want after your child/ren have been born. This is a time of change in your life as well as your surrogate's. She is focusing on her own family now and you yours. Again, good relationship and expectation management throughout the pregnancy will help this transitional period.

Hopefully this abbreviated guide will give you some insight on the possibility of becoming a family though surrogacy. Please educate yourself and your partner to make sure that this is the best thing for YOUR relationship, as there are many factors to consider including finances, careers and the strength of your commitment to each other while parenting children. Remember, your dream of a family can become a reality with the help of a wonderful, capable woman through surrogacy.

Want to see more?

• Building a Family Through Surrogate Parenting: Financial and Legal Implications
• Surrogate Mothers and Parents Tell Their Stories
• Strong Enough: One Woman's Brush With Surrogacy
• Talk about it!