Your family and friends may be your first hurdle. They may not understand why anyone would assume the responsibility for raising a child alone. They may ask if you have lost your senses. It may or may not be possible for you to convince them that you know what you are doing. One single parent who experienced this situation advises if this happens to you, "Be strong! You can't let people around you tear you down. They may be negative. If this is your choice, then don't let people influence you. Wait until the child comes, and you'll see how involved some of your friends will get."

Agencies have varying policies in dealing with single applicants. Some don't accept them at all. Others may put your application and request for a home study (a family assessment) on the back burner while waiting to find a couple who wants to adopt. The children offered to you may have disabilities that you cannot handle or be 12 years old when you requested a toddler. If you pursue independent adoption (a path to adoption with no agency involvement) birth mothers may balk when they learn you are single.

Single men face even tougher scrutiny as they are asked intimate questions about their sexuality, motives, friends and living arrangements. They may be qualified to parent and still be turned down.

Going it alone is not easy. Adoptive parents and agencies, in preparing prospective adoptive parents, stress the importance of having friends and family who can lend support and serve as a back-up system. All the responsibilities will land squarely on your shoulders, such as caring for a sick child, picking the child up at his or her friend's house, choosing the right school and speaking to school counselors. Having a strong network that you can rely on will ease some of this responsibility and provide relief from the constant role of parent.

It will also help if you can demonstrate to a potential adoption agency that you have thought through some of the long-term implications of being a single adoptive parent. For example, if you have evaluated your financial situation thoroughly before going to an agency and can present a realistic picture of how you plan to provide for a child over the years, they will see how serious and stable you are. Also, expect questions about how you will handle your social life once you become a parent, and be ready to discuss your feelings about this in an open, straightforward manner. You are not expected to give up your adult relationships when you adopt. In fact it would be unhealthy for you to do so. However, you will need to strike a new balance in your life as you juggle the new role of parent with your other roles. It would be good for you to show that you have thought about these issues in a mature and sensitive manner.

As you approach agencies and other adoption resources, you have to believe in yourself. The process may not be a smooth one, and you may have some doors closed to you. But as one successful adopter put it, "You have to believe that there is a child somewhere in the world waiting for you." Your determination and assertiveness can make your dream come true.

Who Has Adopted?
All kinds of people choose to adopt – there is no one "acceptable" type. There are women and men who are highly educated with well-respected jobs, high school graduates with blue-collar jobs, people with grown children and others who want to care for a child with special needs. They are all capable people who have a lot of love to share. Many are in the "helping" professions – psychologists, teachers, nurses – and want to improve the lives of children.

In spite of the many obstacles often put in their way, single men do adopt. In fact, one out of every 10 members of a national support organization, the Committee for Single Adoptive Parents, is a male. Traditionally, there has been a strong bias against male applicants by adoption agency personnel. They might think that "A single man could not be sensitive to a child's needs;" or "A boy needs a mother;" or "I wonder what kind of man wants to raise a child alone?" These beliefs are diminishing as the number of men who are successfully caring for children grows.

The rising number of divorced men with joint custody, coupled with the inroads made by feminists who expect men to take a larger role in childrearing, has led to an increase in the number of men who feel comfortable and are competent in raising their children. Adoption agencies have found that single fathers can be the best placement for boys who need strong role models and guidance in an accepting, loving environment. The men who have persevered and overcome the prejudice are outspoken advocates for adoption. "I had to give something back ... to share something," says Taurean Blacque, an actor and single father of nine. Kojo Odo and Father George Clements of Chicago are prominent examples of men who have made a major commitment to raising children.

What Are the First Steps?
Lois Gilman, in her thorough and informative book titled The Adoption Resource Book (HarperResource, 1998), suggests that as a prospective adopter, you should begin by exploring resources that will help you build your family and that will provide information and support in the coming years. Her advice is (1) make contact with adoptive families and parent groups, (2) obtain general information from social service agencies and learn any details about specific adoption programs and (3) read.

Single parents are almost unanimous in extolling parent groups as a rich resource. These groups can provide information about which agency to go to, which social worker to ask for and exactly how to proceed. As the process gets under way, parent group members can provide support and encouragement as well as stories of firsthand experiences that can prove invaluable.

A list of parent support groups in your area and other single parents to talk to is available by writing to the Committee For Single Adoptive Parents, P.O. Box 15084, Chevy Chase, MD 20825. The committee serves as a clearinghouse for singles seeking information. The modest membership fee entitles you to a listing of agencies and other contacts, with updates as well as recommended readings and information about recent adoptions (including country of origin and age of child).

Meeting or corresponding with other single parent adoptive families will help you learn more about adoption firsthand and guide you in focusing on the type of child you might consider adopting. For instance, if you think you want to adopt a foreign child, try to spend time with a family who has gone through an inter-country adoption and learn as much as you can about their experience.

To learn more about the adoption situation in your state, you will want to contact the state's Department of Public Welfare or Social Services and local public and private adoption agencies. Their addresses can be obtained from your local phone book or by contacting the National Adoption Information Clearinghouse. The Clearinghouse can provide listings by state of agencies and can answer specific questions about the types of children who are available. You may choose to find a child through a private or inter-country adoption, but as Lois Gilman points out, "touching base initially with local agencies gives you a better grasp of adoption in the United States and in your state today."

Another resource for this type of information is the National Adoption Center, 1500 Walnut Street, Philadelphia, PA 19102, (215) 735- 9988 or 1-800-TO-ADOPT.

Books on adoption in general and single parent adoption in particular may be available in your local library or bookstore. Books on childcare and development are also relevant as you consider raising a child, especially books with sections on single parenting. The National Adoption Information Clearinghouse is a valuable resource that provides information free of charge and can recommend more books and articles on these topics.