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An estimated 17 million women suffer miscarriages every year. It's not a subject any of us enjoy talking about, but with the numbers right there in black and white, miscarriage is something we can't ignore. As medical technology advances over the next century, can we expect miscarriage rates to fall?
Not really. What we can expect is to have better, more specific information about what causes miscarriage, and perhaps eventually we'll be able to begin taking preventive measures. But for the forseeable future, it is, unfortunately, unlikely that miscarriage will become a problem of the past. The pain of losing a pregnancy can be almost unbearable for the women who endure it. But for those of us who stand on the sidelines, helpless to do anything but watch as our friends suffer, the pain can be just as real.
So what can we say to our sisters? "If you have a friend who suffers a miscarriage, offer her pure, unqualified sympathy," says Kathleen Diamond, whose own miscarriages prompted her to write Motherhood After Miscarriage. "Express your sorrow for her loss and tell her you're available if she wants your ear or your company." Equally important, she says, is to resist the urge to tell your friend that the pregnancy "wasn't meant to be." | |
No one enjoys being around people in mourning, and it's moments like these that define friendship. People fall into one of two categories: those who stick around, and those who don't. "Letters and phone calls and visits mean a lot. After a miscarriage a woman may feel like a failure, or freakish for feeling so sad. But she's perfectly normal: she deserves our sympathy and has a right to grieve," says Diamond.
If your friend specifically requests that you don't come to see her, Diamond recommends that her wishes be respected, as difficult as that may be. It's important, though, to let your friend know that you understand her, and that whenever she's ready to talk, you're ready to listen. "I would leave notes and flowers until she was ready for my company," advises Diamond.
As you may have guessed from the topic of this week's column, we have some sad news to report from one of the couples we've profiled. Lea had some bleeding a week ago and immediately went to the emergency room. After internal examination determined that her cervix was closed, an ultrasound revealed that "the fetus only measured at six weeks and had no heartbeat." Lea was supposed to be eleven weeks pregnant at the time of her miscarriage.
"I have to wait two cycles before I can try again, and I am already willing time away," Lea says. "I know I will never be able to replace this baby, but I keep telling myself that it was for a reason, that it was obviously not healthy and this was my body's way of telling me."
Lea is hopeful that "next time will be healthy and happy," but she admits she'll be more wary in future pregnancies. We wish Lea all the best, and we hope to have only good news to report from her and the rest of our millennium moms in the near future.
